Still here
by MonaDelMar
Summary: When Carter is chatting with Frank after his lunch date with Kerry and Susan, his enthusiastic comment "Susan looks great!" stuck with me and got me thinking. Here's where the muses took me.


It was after 6am before things started to calm down in the ER. Four of the traumas from the power station explosion had already been moved upstairs and the others, one critical, three with more minor injuries, were stable waiting for beds in the burns unit. John Carter turned to Rachel Green who was still shadowing him.

"Come on Rachel, we'd better get you a taxi. Elizabeth will never forgive me if you miss your flight." With that he walked her to the exit.

As they walked into the forecourt she turned and said.

"Thanks for tonight Dr. Carter, it was truly amazing."

He smiled down at her.

"It was my pleasure, your dad taught me a lot. Come on there's a taxi rank just round the corner."

There was a taxi in the rank. John turned to Rachel.

"Good Luck with your application. It really would be great to see Dr. Green back at County again."

"Thanks Dr. Carter." Rachel said as she got into the taxi.

He closed the taxi door and looked up at the imposing façade of County General Hospital.

Now was probably not the right time but nonetheless he would go and see if he could locate Kate Banfield about taking a few shifts each week. He realised, not for the first time that the ER at county was his spiritual home. He couldn't fully sever the tie that bound him to here and he was not sure that he wanted to. He smiled as he walked back toward the entrance.

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He learned from Gerry that Kate was not due on until 7am. He headed to the doctors lounge to wait. Might as well strike while the iron was hot.

Someone stirred on the couch when he closed the door.

"My goodness, you're still here." he said. "I thought you left hours ago."

"No Carter," Susan replied with a laugh, "I'm still here, I guess I just can't get this place out of my blood. I was hauled in to consult on one of the traumas that came in. I missed the 6am train and the next one is not until 11am … … … … … … … … God, it was just so good to see everybody again."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." he said, as he came over and sat beside her. "I've come to realise over time that this place is my true spiritual home."

"Profound!" Susan said looking at him with a raised eyebrow and a mischievous expression. Then she nudged him with her shoulder.

Carter laughed. He looked at her bemused. How was it that this woman could always get him to lighten up. She looked at him quizzically.

"What?"

"Thanks."

She scrunched up her face, totally bemused.

"For what?"

"For getting me to lighten up." he smirked, nudging her back.

"You're welcome!" she said in mock surprise.

"So, Associate Professor at University of Iowa, I am impressed!"

"Thanks. It came at a very high price though."

John nodded, "It's rough that you were forced to leave County and the life you had built for yourself in Chicago."

"I didn't realise how much I was leaving behind. At the same time I knew I was never going to get tenure at County. I was not publishing enough. Furthermore, this ER is far too busy, I would never have found the time to write articles, run the ER and see my family."

She looked at her hands and shrugged, "Before I heard that I had not got tenure here, I had dreamed about it. I had spent the extra money over and over again in my head. You know what I mean," as she gestured to demonstrate, "a family house in the burbs, with a picket fence, nice car in the driveway and a college fund for Cosmo."

"I'm sorry if I was in any way responsible for you having to move on."

"At the time I was pissed, but the truth of the matter is, I was never going to get tenure here, not unless I got a lot more industrious on the academic front."

"So what brought you to Iowa?"

"I saw a post advertised and I applied. I went there and liked what I saw. So when they offered, I accepted. Chuck's family live near Iowa city. So it seemed ideal."

"But it wasn't."

" Oh it would have been, but I took my eye off the ball. I made getting tenure my priority. I was not going to be passed over a second time. That entailed too many late nights at the office, doing research, writing articles. I guess I took Chuck for granted. He became Mr. Mom; I became the absent parent whose child hardly recognised her. By the time I lightened up, it was too late."

John looked at her and said nothing. After a while she continued.

"Just under two years ago, I was offered the assistant professorship. I remember it well. On the first of May, the chief called me into her office and told me the good news. I was ecstatic. All my effort had been worth while. I went home that evening to tell Chuck but he seemed distant."

"Distant?"

"Yeah. I didn't think anything of it at the time but over the next few weeks as I was able to spend more time at home, things didn't change. If anything they got worst. Any free time I had, he seemed to be working. Finally, in early August, he said he had something to tell me. The rest, as the say, is history."

"Another woman?"

Susan nodded.

"A single mom, with one little boy the same age as Cosmo. They met at one of Cosmo's play groups. Her husband had been killed in Iraq. They were two lonely people who became friends and then more then friends while I was busy building a future for our little family. Problem was, I was not focussing on the present."

"Susan, I am sorry. You deserve better."

"Ironically, it was nobody's fault and everybody's fault. I was absent from our marriage and Chuck never challenged me on it. He had the good grace to be very guilty and apologetic. He had not been looking for someone, it had just happened. By the time he plucked up the courage to tell me, Daphne-that's her name- was already four months pregnant. That was the only thing that made me really angry. But I calmed down eventually."

"You simply let him go?"

"John, he was already gone. I just failed to notice his absence because I was absent too."

"How are things now?"

"Amicable. Chuck is such a fundamentally kind and decent man, it's difficult to stay angry with him. It can be awkward sometimes but I still count him as a friend. That's important for Cosmo's sake."

"And how is Cosmo?"

Susan's face lit up.

"He's great. He's five. He loves school and his teacher is the cleverest person in the whole wide world. Chuck and I have joint custody so I have him Monday through Wednesday one week and Monday through Thursday another week. That way he has a routine. The only swing day is Thursday. Mind you, he still has not quite grasped why Josh and little Grace don't come with him to mine. But we muddle through somehow."

"You really are very accepting of your lot."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. I feel bitter sometimes about the wasted effort over two years to build a secure future for my family. But heck, there's no use crying over spilt milk. I have a healthy, happy son, that's the important thing."

"Yeah, you're right there" John said as a faraway look came into his eyes.

"John, I'm so sorry, I didn't think." Susan said as she grasped his hand.

"No, it's good to remember. That's why I named the medical centre after him. Joshua would have been coming up five in a few weeks. I don't want to ever forget him."

"And Kem, how is she really?"

"I'm not sure Susan. She has been spending a lot of time with her mum in Paris of late. Before that, I divided my time between The Congo and Darfur. The first two years were fine but then she had problems conceiving. Over the last two years, she has not been coping very well with that fact and she does not seem to have gotten over Josh, if one ever does get over the loss of a child."

"Are you going to keep trying?"

He looked at Susan and she could see the profound sorrow etched in his eyes. Then he looked away and said sadly.

"She has been living in Paris with her mother for the past six months. Make of that what you will. I really did not expect her to show up last night but she did. I've asked her to meet me for lunch before she flies this evening. I figure this is our last chance."

"John, I'm so sorry."

"Hey, like you said, we muddle through somehow."

Before they had a chance to say more, Kate Banfield breezed into the doctor's lounge.

The two doctors looked up like a pair of guilty teenagers.

"Sorry Kate," John started, "I hope you don't think we're overstaying our welcome. It's just that Susan missed her train and I wanted to meet with you to ask if you'd consider giving me regular shifts again."

"Dr. Carter, it seems to me as if we are going to have to surgically remove you from this ER."

"I fear County ER is in my blood, Dr. Banfield. Even when I think I've escaped, it keeps pulling me back."

"Archie Morris and I have a meeting on Thurday at 3pm about our roster for next month, would you care to join us for it? It would be great if we could give you a few shifts. We're an attending down but have no funding so giving you a few shifts would actually fill a very big gap and take a huge pressure off both Archie and I. We could perhaps discuss a role for you in the ER."

"Yes, sure, that would be great." John blustered.

"By the way, Dr. Morris has brought me up to date on our emergency earlier. Thank-you both, for assisting. It really helped having the extra hands on deck and I want to use it as an example of why they cannot cut our budget. The ER must be a well oiled machine. Susan, where did you say you are working now?"

"I'm Associate Professor of ER medicine at the University of Iowa."

"I don't recall seeing you at the recent ER conference in Omaha."

"Unfortunately, my son was ill and I had to send a colleague to deputise."

"I've no doubt our paths will cross again." Kate extended her hand, "Once again thanks for assisting earlier."

"It was my pleasure, it felt like old times."

"Well, I'd better get back to the grind. Goodbye for now."

With that the good doctor breezed out again.

"Well, that went well", Susan said.

John laughed, "She's like Kerry, her bark is far worse than her bite. She and Archie are quite the dream team."

"No, Archie and Banfield work well together."

"Like a well-oiled machine."

"Slacker Morris; who would have thought."

"He sets the tone now, Susan."

"My God, it's a long time since I heard that expression."

They both fell silent, then Susan said,

"I still miss him you know."

John put his arm around her and pulled her into a hug.

"You and me both, Susan, you and me both… … … … … Good grief, will ya look at the time."

It was after 8am.

"Do you fancy a walk?" John said standing up, "Then we could grab some breakfast before you head for your train."

"That sounds like a plan." Susan said, rising and putting her arm through his. "C'mon, let's blow this joint."

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Shortly before 11am, they stood on the platform beside Susan's train.

"Susan, I really enjoyed this morning."

"Yes, John it was fun."

"We should do it again some time."

"You know, that would be nice."

"It looks like I'm going to be in Chicago for the long haul. Please don't be a stranger."

"I won't I promise."

"Two hundred miles is no distance."

"None at all, when your family own a plane."

John laughed.

"Not any more I'm afraid."

With that he kissed her gently on the cheek and helped her board the train.

As he stood on the platform looking up at her, she was reminded of a similar parting more than eleven years earlier and she felt a lump come to her throat. John, said something but she missed it.

"What was that?" she shouted over the noise the train whistle, putting her hand to her her ear."

With that the automatic doors started to close.

John held up his iPhone indicating they should phone and she put her thumb up to confirm that she would. As the train pulled away she waved. She could feel her eyes welling up. That had been so reminiscent of when Mark had waved her off that first time she moved away from Chicago. She still regretted leaving it so long before telling him how she felt. She could feel that same awful wrench. Nobody had made her feel like that in a very long time. Strange that! Yes, this was more than nostalgia, there had been a definite pull and she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would stay in touch with John Carter and make many more journeys to Chicago for the foreseeable future.

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As the train pulled away, John waved. For the first time in a long time he felt light. Everything seemed so much easier when Susan was around.

Kem still had not phoned. But he knew now that they needed to talk more than ever. There was not a lot left to say, but nonetheless, it needed to be said. He was finally ready to move on and let go of the past. He would head to the hotel straight away. The time for polite lunches was over. It was something that Susan said about her and Chuck that made him realise that.

"…he was already gone. I just failed to notice his absence because I was absent too"

He realised that Kem was, to all intents and purposes, gone from their marriage and his protracted absences had probably aided her departure. Now all that remained, was to set her free.

Strange for the first time in a long time, the future looked bright. He had so much to look forward to; he was home.


End file.
